Come home.

“Nelson, I don’t remember the last time she enjoyed rain. I don’t see her making herself a cup of coffee to keep herself up for the entire night. She doesn’t match her nails to her shoes anymore. She doesn’t buy balloons and tie them to our neighbour’s bicycle. She watches tv for hours and doesn’t cry seeing someone die on screen. I can’t recollect the last time she asked me to pose for a picture. I miss her giggling. She goes to her room just after dinner and doesn’t make a sound at all. I knock her door and she just says, “Sleep, I am sleeping in ten.” But, the room lights are on. She doesn’t get excited when I make cookies. She doesn’t get angry at me when I don’t tell her a story. She is okay about almost everything. And that scares me. I want her to do what she wants, and not just silently settle down for things. I want her to be what she was, and not turn into someone so dull. Nelson, I know, you are too busy to do something. But, if at all, please come back home. She misses her daddy, and honestly I miss you too.”

Life was with you.

I still remember how everything started. Seeing you for the first time, was nothing extraordinary. You seemed like another human. But, I remember noticing your tired eyes and your messy hair. That hoody and that perfume. We started seeing each other every day. We started off with weird eye contacts that eventually grew into awkward smiles. One day, I asked you, “Your name?” Little did I know, that name is going to stay in my heart forever.
You were weird. I noticed how you didn’t like talking to people. I liked the times when you laughed. I used to look at you and smile. I never had an idea about what’s happening. But, I used to smile. Then, we started to know each other more. I got used to seeing you in the hallway, the lobby. You were the one who made me understand the meaning of getting butterflies. Every time, I saw you. I could feel the dance in my stomach.
I started to ask you about things I already knew. You started to help me with things for no reason at all. Something was happening, we didn’t know. For some strange reason, I felt connected to you. I don’t know if it was love at first sight, but I am pretty sure, the first time I saw you, I knew you’re going to mean something to me. And that happened. You became someone important. I started to fall for you.
The first time you held my hand and told me to come along. Oh my god, I died. I almost did. Your philosophies. Your hobbies. Your dreams. I don’t know, everything started to matter to me. Little things were no longer little. Your mood was my mood. I loved you, I swear I loved you a little too much. The day you told me, that you loved me too, was the best day of my life. Life was easier. Everything, happier. We were perfect. Nothing could break us now.
 I remember my birthday, when you planned everything so well. When you were standing outside my door, with balloons, and a cake in your hand. God, you looked so adorable. “Happy birthday!” is all you said, but your eyes, they were sparkling like never before. The first time we kissed. I remember, I forgot that there exists a world. It was just you and me, and nothing else. Damn. Your hands. The way they grabbed my shoulders, my waist.
That café where our friendship grew the most became our favourite place. You never liked coffee, but I remember you used to take a sip or two from my cup. I was never a fan of reading books. But, I made sure I always read a page or two from your favourite fictions. Sometimes three, sometimes four, sometimes the entire book.
I remember how you used to fall asleep while we used to watch a movie at your place. You used to slowly fall towards me, and then your head used to rest on my shoulder. I remember I used to not move after that.

Remember the times when we went for a drive? You took me to this beautiful lake. You told me about your childhood and your family. You even cried when you spoke about your dad and told me that you missed him badly.

The day when you wrote a poem for me. I still have the paper with me. Though the ink on it has faded away, your words are still there in my heart. 

We started to share almost everything. I used to wear your tee shirts. You used to comb my hair on days when I felt lazy. I remember how you liked my hair tied.
You became a habit. Slowly, an addiction. You were all over my life. There was nothing I could possibly imagine that wouldn’t have you in it. You were everywhere. Life was with you. I knew.
Being with you was a celebration, and I wanted it to be for my life. You meant the world to me. Every time, I looked at you, I knew I wanted to see you for the rest of my life.
The thought of losing you, would scare the hell out of me. I wanted to be with you, till the end.
But, everything doesn’t go according to the desires of your heart. Slowly, everything started to fall apart. I still wonder what happened. I remember that walk from our favourite café to my house. We didn’t utter a word. The silence was having a war with our bond and I knew that it was slowly going to die. And it did. We stopped being one. 
And today after four years, when I was passing by our favourite café, I saw you there having a cup of coffee. You looked at me and smiled. And I swear, in a moment or two, I knew, if there’s ever going to be anyone who’ll give me butterflies in my tummy, it is always going to be you.

Things I’d never say.

Every time, I catch myself smiling, I know it’s you.
times when I can’t fall asleep at night,
cause my heart still craves to talk to you,
it’s you who’s responsible for all the midnight diary notes
I believe you have no clue about what happens to my heart
every time you are next to me
and for some reason
I won’t ever let you know
cause it’s beautiful to see you unaware
in your own world, clueless
about how badly I want to be with you
I picture both of us together
holding each other
whispering things we would never say in reality
it’s so exciting that it almost feels real
and every time, I think of you
I swear a million times,
my heart races like never before
you’re a ocean, there’s so much I want to know
I want to fall, swim, find myself in you
You look the best when you laugh
when you throw your head back
and close your eyes
I watch you, I watch you, and fall in love.

I lost her.

I don’t know when I lost her. You don’t lose a woman in a day. A woman never gives up on you, until you force her to do.

Until, you don’t leave her with a choice.
Maybe, I lost her gradually. Day by day.
You lose a woman when you forget to appreciate how beautiful she makes your life by just being in it.

Maybe, I lost her when I forgot to say sorry when it was my mistake. Maybe, I lost her when I knew she was crying and I did not give a damn.

Maybe, I lost her when she told me that she wanted to be alone, and I left her alone.
Maybe, I lost her when I didn’t hold her hand while we were crossing the road.

Maybe, I lost her when I didn’t tell her how adorable she looked when she smiled.

Maybe, I lost her when she called me three times in the morning and I texted her ‘Talk to you later.’

Maybe, I lost her when I didn’t laugh on her silly joke. Maybe, I lost her when I stopped taking her out for movies.

Maybe, I lost her when she didn’t sleep the entire night because I called her a mistake.

Maybe, I lost her when she said, ‘I love you’ and I said nothing at all.

Maybe, I lost her because I was too busy being what I am.

Maybe, I lost her because she was too beautiful for someone like me.