As ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve been not liking myself so much lately. You could blame it on the abundance of free time that I have or maybe there is more to it. On a recent dinner, my mum got to know that I’ve not been too comfortable with myself and her first question was, “How does one not like oneself?” Well, it is normal of her to have that quandary because, to be honest, even I don’t know where all of this begins. But, it makes me wonder if it is even a normal thing to have issues with your own self.
Before we go ahead, I want to say, I’m not depressed. I have my moments of joy and I have lots of things to look forward to in life. But, every night (since a month) I’ve been struggling to shut the voices in my head.
Every time I think of someone or see someone on social media, I automatically put myself to believe that they are much better than me. And, it escalates to a point, that I begin to pinpoint my flaws again and again. I’m not a pessimistic person and I truly believe in the power of universe.
However, in no way, I have been able to get rid of such thoughts from hovering in my mind.
A lot of people tell me that if you do not like yourself, how do you expect people around you to like you? And, I wonder if that even makes sense or it is indeed the way this world functions.
As any other person, I google stupid questions at night and expect WikiHow to solve my everyday miseries. More often than not, I end up feeling worse. From what I understand, I don’t think there is a way for an external factor (at least not the internet) to help me with this problem. But, I must mention that social media is partially responsible for how things have shaped up in my head.
What haunts me is the idea that such feelings begin to grow on you with time and find a way to make it a part of you. And, no. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life, thinking negatively about me because I understand that it is powerful enough to affect everything in my life.
Anxiety is a bitch and it controls pretty much everything I do. The worst part being I don’t know what exactly triggers is and how to stop myself from not liking myself.
Does talking to yourself or picturing good things about your life help? Because I have tried and it makes me feel that it saturates the whole thought altogether.
For now, I know, I’ve felt this for a long time and to accept myself eventually is a pursuit. For now, I know, I can only breathe and tell myself that things always get better. For now, I hope this pursuit eventually turns into a habit and self-acceptance grows in me like a flower in the sunshine.
Originally posted on Medium.